Recovery

I feel like I am trapped inside a bubble that's about to explode. Running with blind eyes, my body beaten and bloody away from a screaming, biting past that sends its deathly sentinels after me, memories. I close my eyes, the screaming noise in my head now flattens to an echo, I inject happiness in my veins. The momentary confusion between joy and misery is death, my substance, my lover, my curse.

It's 3 months now that I am clean. This last rehab sentence ( I call it a sentence because Kripa rehab, Kolkata is worse than a jail sentence) was the worst of the four. By now I can say that I am a dead man from inside, my hollow insides are writing; dry and knotty like dead wood. I have hit rock bottom. I just can't go on with my habit anymore, I know it, but I am scared nonetheless of relapse. The dark circles beneath my eyes are just compliments to my state of mind right now.

I feel like I am a circus clown riding a bicycle whose wheels have been put on fire and there are no brakes, so I'm cursed to ride around endlessly until I fall or unless someone holds me or stops me. This reminds me of the Creed song, "Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..."

I'm such a whore, I think. My substance pulls my strings with 30 bucks and I let it bare. More than my body and mind, I think I am selling my soul to this substance.

My life is almost over now. Just holding on to one last hope. If God is there and I believe he is, then he won't let go of my hand now.

My recovery, has begun.

Men we think we are...

Under pressure we stood: united; but the front we put up-?~
We were separated,?
What else man, Hair Peace?
What next?
Are we moving forward or rollercoastering backward,
Like walking in the moon,
Waving a flag, with the wind blowing in the opposite direction.
So the wind is actually against the change.
The question tonight ladies and gentlemen is,;
Are we with the wind?
Or are we fools on the top of a hill,?
Knowing we will be blown down into jagged rocks soon…<-X->
And what shall become of us, shall never be known down generations.<\m/>

If forever was today

Maple leaf, it fell in the breeze
Twirling and dancing as someone blew
Gusts of wind, and in each vein was encoded
the blood of my love.
Maple leaf I send to thee
From my hold, this cold dark cell
Damp and musty I crave for light,
I close my eyes and the face was yours.

I count days on the rings of my finger,
Time grows longer than my hand
Till, like the rolling dewdrop,
it falls off and I am lost in oblivion.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
"Your skin is ageing, and hair is less
What stand have you lover to stand
upon thy knees and hold that bleeding
rose, that once was your heart
and now it's black and morose."

Still I send this birthday gift
Wish it were everyday,
I hold the smallest grain of sand
In my hand, and wonder if forever was today.
And ours was a gypsy song,
sang in the desert wind,
lovelocked lips and crossed hips
lyre sings the ballad.

I wish I could send more than but a birthday song,
For it's been so long, so very very long
And the interlude demanded more than just this gift,
But fate had it another way
And if so be it, then let it be
Tomorrow will bring opportunity
For bleeding hearts to come together,
I'll see you another day, tomorrow.

If forever was today

Maple leaf, it fell in the breeze
Twirling and dancing as someone blew
Gusts of wind, and in each vein was encoded
the blood of my love.
Maple leaf I send to thee
From my hold, this cold dark cell
Damp and musty I crave for light,
I close my eyes and the face was yours.

I count days on the rings of my finger,
Time grows longer than my hand
Till, like the rolling dewdrop,
it falls off and I am lost in oblivion.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
"Your skin is ageing, and hair is less
What stand have you lover to stand
upon thy knees and hold that bleeding
rose, that once was your heart
and now it's black and morose."

Still I send this birthday gift
Wish it were everyday,
I hold the smallest grain of sand
In my hand, and wonder if forever was today.
And ours was a gypsy song,
sang in the desert wind,
lovelocked lips and crossed hips
lyre sings the ballad.

I wish I could send more than but a birthday song,
For it's been so long, so very very long
And the interlude demanded more than just this gift,
But fate had it another way
And if so be it, then let it be
Tomorrow will bring opportunityts to come together,
I'll see you another day, tomorrow.

For bleeding hear

Devil woman

Persian slippers and harlem pants
Short black hair, strands on her face
The best things in life come in small packages
Her devilish walk,
Square black heels
Fire on the ground
No girly frills.

Square bloody mouth
In your face
Pick up your shit, bitch
And run away.

No love songs, no postcards for her
They'll burn in her cigarette lighter
Ask her out, she smokes in your face
Fuck off, basket case.

She's so cool, Parvati black
H20 and vodka attack.
Sex on fire, silk lingerie
Money for nothing, your chicks for free.

When she plays the microphone,
Headbanger's ball, Killing tone.
Yet she set the city free
Pornography on child's candy.

She's so fly and when she gets so high
Stony eyes and freedom fries.
Speeding down the highway at 120 miles
Wrong direction, Devil's child.

And everybody knows when she set the church on fire
Burning up passion and desire.
Tonight she's got the fire
Metal guitars and amplifiers
Together we'll rock under the crescent moon
End of days, the nemesis' tune.

Mom

Goodnight Mom, you're so far away
Not here to wish me night
No lullabies, no bedtime stories,
You're not here to ruffle my hair,
And rock me to sleep.

Goodnight mom, I look at the stars above
They put me to sleep
And sing me songs.
You held my hand as I walked
over rock and vale,
As I grew up and when I fell.

You raised me up like a rock in the middle of the sea
Wearing all storms, fighting it out,
You raised me up to more than I could be.

I held your hand through fire and through rain
You told me stories and kept me calm
Till there was sunshine again.
You took care of us in the bad times and the good
You knew exactly what I needed
Exactly what to cook.

Goodnight mom, I hope you are safe
I miss you a lot.
I hope you get a good night's sleep
As the angels fly above
And pour heavenly sands of sleep
Upon your closing eyes.
Goodnight mom, sweet dreams till sunrise.

When I found heaven

You bat your eyelids and you take my breath away,
And you don't even try, And you don't even try.
You're walking by, and my heart jumps to my throat
You don't even see, You don't even see.

I'm talking to you on the phone and a smile breaks through my face
Do you smile, Do you smile too?

I'm wondering if this is love,
Wondering about things I cannot see
If I couldn't tell you, then please forgive me
Take your time,
We'll take it slow,
One at a time,
Tonight.

I walked a mile for you, broke a star for you,
Do you even care? Do you even care?
I came along, I wrote a song for you,
Were you even there? Were you even there?

Darling our love will find a way,
Let's wait for another day
And you're lying in my arms
If only this was true.
We'll sit by the fireside.
count the crackling stars
You will look into my eyes
and I into yours,
Was there anything left to be said?

And together we'll ride this winter wheel,
Horse pulls the carriage
We'll ride away, I'll steal your heart
Our pantheistic marriage.

Did you say something?
For it was laughter that I heard
Is it the bumpy road
Or the diminutive toad?
Did you see the blackbird that flew past?
Through glens and meadows we drove past.

I said unto you, is there anywhere more beautiful?
No, you sighed,
The cold wind seeped in through carriage window,
And raindrops like morning dew adorned
My bride's cheeks, it's rosy hue.
What am escape! A long, winding road
Our marriage turned every brick to flower
As the twilight shone.
Alone I stood on the edge of a cliff we were passing by
And wondered how vast the horizon, how vast this life
And how deep the fall, the pain, the betrayal, the adultery.

And she came by my side and said, Look
How vast the horizon, like the vastness of our love
And how deep we fall,
Hand in hand it is nothing at all.
I looked into her brown eyes,
Pages can be written about them,
I got lost in deja vu
Of when I found heaven.